Coming home, going home.

I am a North Carolina girl. I just happen to be living and working in (and loving most days) Mississippi for the moment. At least that is somewhat how I have had to rationalize and manage my current place in the world.

As I write I am sitting in an airport watching people coming and going and waiting for my flight from NC to MS. I am waiting to leave home for my other, newer, home. It is a weird feeling. 

I counted down the days for about a month before I came home and now, just like that, it is time to leave again. I am not so sure how to feel about any of it. Except I know that the idea of home is now bigger and different, the same and so sacred. While I was at my NC home, with my fam and friends, I sat with baby cousins talking about toys and dreams, I cuddled a month old princess who already has my heart, I shared meals with family and beloved friends whose simple smiles and laughter refilled my soul. In ways I did not even know I needed. 

Yet now the world is back spinning and swirling and it is time to go back to work and life and friends in MS. And that is not so bad after all. 

For the first few months being away I struggled with the idea that I was not home, at all. And that was scary. But now I sit, eyes full of tears- crafted from love and new memories, and know that I have another home I am returning to. I am returning to friends who are like family and to work and to joy and my calling. And that is good. Words to craft this feeling are fleeing but what I know is - This trip back to my new home is not that bad anymore. I am in fact quite lucky- people are loving me from all around. People are nurturing me from all around. That is good. 

My home is now different and the same. Yes, I miss cousins and friends here but I discovered during this visit that the love is still there- in fact somewhat deeper and more appreciated- but I have something good to go back to. I am not alone. Love travels the distance, memories fill my heart, my eyes well up with tears of joy and thanks. For I know that not everyone has this kind of love to travel and bounce between. I am a Mississippi girl, I am a North Carolina girl. I am a lucky girl. I am a loved girl. I am blessed and when I open my eyes I realize that I bouncing between drifts of love streaming across miles and through so many narratives. How beautiful. 

The many colors of love.

Below is a sermon I recently delivered on Matthew 22:34-40 (The spacing looks odd but that is how I write sermons to deliver them with enough spacing and breaths) 

Matthew 22:34-40

34 When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, 35 and one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. 36 “Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” 37 He said to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’38 This is the greatest and first commandment. 39 And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

In today’s scripture passage we are thrown right smack dab into, 

yet another,

 argument between Jesus and the Pharisees... 

At first glance, at first read, this argument seems shocking 

yet- if we look back throughout the Gospel of Matthew, we find this particular writing full of these very kinds of encounters:

moments of high anxiety and fear and question all 

unfolding together into a conflict nine times out of ten 

The scene we enter is that of Jesus and the Pharisees -

They are all gathered together 

and the Sadducees are around watching, 

The Sadducees- had just been shut down by Jesus

 in a similar question answer verbal battle

 of passion and belief 

The Pharisees and Sadducees are those groups that were ‘against’ Jesus, for a lack of better terms, those who took defense that this radical leader was perpetuating a Gospel of love that was taking over their territory, the religious real estate that they so clear saw as belonging to themselves only

In the wake of the Sadducees’ silence the Pharisees, perhaps eagerly, are attempting to prove that they are better or smarter than both Jesus and their counterparts

 I imagine the Pharisees gathering together in a huddle, like a team preparing for the hail marry to win the game, pushing forward one of their own to make the play ... 

 a lawyer from the group, willing or unwillingly, steps forward from the Pharisees and says 

basically 

So Jesus tell us the most important rule, the greatest command we should follow?

now we do not know if the lawyer from the Pharisees asks this question in a snarky or rude tone or in inquisitive thirst for the answer Christ might give.. 

all we know is that a BiG question was just asked

 and that Jesus had better rebut with a good answer 

I mean, Jesus is basically asked to sum up his theology, 

his ENTiRE belief system, 

in one sentence. ... 

I am not sure about you all but that invitation, in itself, is quite daunting

but this-  

this 

is where Jesus knocks them off of their rockers by proving himself and his credibility with even these, 

those who have deemed themselves his utmost enemy, 

by saying the greatest command is to love God and that like this you should love neighbors, all of them. And that you should do both things  all of the time. 

i imagine these words sent a silence over the crowd as they realized that this man 

this leader named messianic hero, 

was quoting from the holy scripture they knew, 

they loved, 

and that they had practiced so often -

 these verses, these laws, coming from the shema, a highly beloved jewish prayer found in deuteronomy and the law found in leviticus 

Jesus melds these two things they have known, and attempted to practice themselves, together and they are silenced 

 i imagine that it is much like the silence that falls upon tiny children when they fall and get hurt after doing something they were just told would make them fall and get hurt 

that second- guessing- oh- you-really - did - get - this 

and - really did mean-this kind of silence 

The pericope stops with Jesus melting these commands together as being important in the life of a Christian and the Pharisees and the Sadducees stewing in a silent awe soaking it all in 

I imagine that if i were there, if i were a pharisee or a sadducee I would fall silent at hearing these words as well....  

i mean lets be honest here, 

the call to love God is a big call standing on its own and then to add right on top of that to love your neighbor,

      neighbor: code for everyone in Jesus-lingo

as yourself makes me loose my breath, at least momentarily,  out of the sheer weight 

these commands carry

Jesus well realized that in being asked the greatest command he was being asked to sum up his message

 and to sum up his message was a big task 

so he does it as only Jesus can do - in a sort of tricky manner 

tricky because of the weight of these commands 

the call of these commands is to reorient ones life day in and day out towards love 

A reorientation that commands us to Love God first

to love God fully, and always, 

And then to share that love, to show that love 

by loving our neighbors. All of them. 

Jesus is reminding us in the call to orient, to direct, our lives around the love we have for God that loving God extends far beyond sheerly uttering the phrase 

“ i love God” --- though it might do us good to utter this life changing, life giving phrase, intentionally more often 

no, perhaps unfortunately, it is not as simple as uttering empty affections to gain attention for our piety, 

To love God we must be willing to put the peddle to the metal, so to speak

in saying that the greatest commandment is to love God with one’s entire being- their entire mind and body and spirit- Jesus is urging for a transformational relationship between us and our creator, 

the one who knows the number of hairs on our heads and the 

prayers echoing within our hearts 

in answering the call to reorient one’s life toward God we are saying yes to a life of active, 

messy,

and likely,  difficult mercy 

a life that says i cannot oppress

 or exclude 

or downplay

 or harm another in

action or word or thought and

yet say i am FULLY loving God 

i imagine this encounter between Jesus and the Pharisees 

those asking this question, eager for Christ to stumble from confusion, 

to be a beautiful and vivid portrayal of pastoral care found 

between Christ and man in scripture 

you see Jesus does not jump back in a hateful tone

or with harmful language

 but he takes the promises this group has known 

and loved 

and attempted to practice 

and reformats them into something they can envision 

themselves within once again 

Jesus gathers the knowledge of his forebears,

 distilling it into the two commandments he gives,

 and sheds light into what should be 

the most essential component of our lives:

LOVE 

as simple and as difficult as that can be 

Jesus provides an example of the commands he is giving. 

He loves God through attempting to love his neighbor in calm response 

through familiar commands 

Jesus teaches love of God and love of neighbor through active, 

messy, likely difficult to give out- mercy 

i imagine that Jesus, our brother, knew good and well just how difficult it can be to practice what one preaches in light of 

 oppression and betrayal, 

snarky attitude and hateful disposition, 

But yet he still models just how important it is to 

love God and love neighbor, always, 

as he stands amidst the Pharisees pleading with them: 

 love God, love each other, love me, orient you lives around love

and the rest will come 

peace will come 

and lives will shaded with the

 transformational hughes of mercy and grace 

that only God, our creator, can fashion 

in his call for us to love God, Jesus is not  calling for an emotional bond that is like that found between parent and child or spouses but instead Jesus is urging an active love that is willing to get dirty on occasion 

That first corinthian love that Paul speaks of that is patient and kind, that endures all - the good, the bad and the ugly, 

love that is not rude or arrogant or boastful but strives to sit in the middle of strife and listen, 

love that seeks out truth and rejoices in it and love that focuses upon the glimmer of hope in the midst of desperation 

Not an emotional bond or intellectual goal but a lived out action that stretches into the depth of our souls and reaches into the crevasses of the world as if to say, “someone is here and listening and you are important” 

Jesus is saying that in loving God one’s life will be markedly different 

that in loving God one is practicing 

a lived out love 

a life-reorienting love that stretches beyond modern cultural ideals and beckons you, and beckons me, to life a life in which we know no other way than to search and find sacred-worth in all people

in all of God’s creation 

a life in which we let go of any negative emotional feelings towards one another in favor of active mercy, active love,

love  that brings our enemy soup to their sick bed 

active love that holds the hand of the one who

 has hurt our heart in wake of their personal crisis 

active love that orients oneself around God’s promises to never leave us 

active love that leaves no option but to use our gifts, and rely upon God’s grace, to work together in the best and the worst of times 

in taking upon this active love of God we are invited to become Christ’s own heart beating within the world- 

a heart overflowing with love for all God’s works

in saying that like the command to love God we are commanded to love neighbor as ourself Jesus is saying something along the lines of 

so you want a way to work this love out 

do you want to express the reality of your love for God - 

well look around you, 

there are lots of people that you 

can practice with and among 

not just those who are like you 

or who agree with you on everything 

or who gave you the best birthday gift

but those who have hurt feelings from your actions

 those who have forgot to call you on your birthday

 those who have inflicted pain upon your own heart 

that is where you should be extending my love 

that is where you should be showing God love 

Through these two simple, yet transformational, commands Jesus is inviting us all to reorient our lives 

to open our eyes toward others 

the invitation is profoundly simple

and all too often painstakingly difficult 

Back in August when preparing for children’s choir to begin R looked at me as we talked through ideas and said 

“i have project for the kids.

 The love project “ 

At first i did not know what she was talking about but trusted that it would be something beautiful- 

The kids were challenged by R to reflect upon their week, each week, of the choir semester upon one way they have shared the love of God, mercy and grace in action, with someone in their lives 

They were told to bring an image, drawing or write up of their act of love each week to cover the bulletin board by the choir room.

 Two days after the challenge was issued the first email came  in- 

bags of necessities and snacks shared with those less fortunate than the children themselves 

soon emails and pictures came rushing in

• helping at neighborhood festivals
• sharing treats with siblings
• writing cards to those sick and in the hospital
• praying for friends in need 

and more 

each week i walk by the board and find myself grinning when seeing the sweet handwriting explaining how one child helped her sister with homework 

i have stopped many times and repeated the phrase that R told the kids at the beginning of the challenge over and over again 

Love is not love until we give it away. 

Love is not love until we give it away. 

Perhaps that is the even more boiled down sentiment that Christ shared with the Pharisees and Sadducees that afternoon 

Love is active.

Love will grow stale if we store it away for ourselves. 

Love is not love until we give it away. 

When i talk about the love project with the kids or with Rand other staff i continually find myself amazed at the love of God these children, our children, are sharing with one another and with all the neighbors of our world 

And  i often wonder why the challenge to love God by loving others, even when it is a sibling or a not-so-friendly person, did not take the breath away from the kids - at lest for a moment - the way it so easily does for myself 

i mean this challenge is BiG and can be hard 

Yet, the love challenge has taken off and lives are bing reoriented from the inside out 

The kids have realized, so quickly, that sharing God’s love, that living out the love they have for God, in loving their neighbors as fully as they love themselves, transforms relationships into something more beautiful than ever expected:  

As a part of the love project the cherub choir was invited to make cards for children in the hospital 

After the cards were made, J looked at me and instructed me to give the card she made to a girl her age, a four year old, 

because four year old girls, she said, like pink and purple and she made her heart pink and purple and so a four year old girl would feel better with that card only 

i smiled and told her that i would be sure the card got to someone who would love it

Her determination to ensure that someone she did not know would feel better by her feather color choices radiated love for God and neighbor in ways that her still growing mind cannot even comprehend 

She got it, Love is not love until you give it away. 

in today’s scripture passage we are thrown right smack dab into, yet another, argument between Jesus and the Pharisees... 

A moment of high anxiety and fear and question all unfold together into a scene of love enacted

Jesus turns takes familiar laws and reorients us all around his message of love 

And he shows us that anyone can do - love 

anyone can act mercy anywhere 

Together lets examine how our actions radiate love toward God

Together, lets join in that great love project that Jesus 

first initiated 

The invitation is daunting 

The command is breath-taking 

but so too are the results

Maybe, just maybe, we will reorient the world through 

God’s love and all surrounding grace 

And maybe, just maybe if we open our 

own eyes to receiving God’s love  

we will find someone waiting 

to share the same with us 

with a hands outstretched sharing a heart shaped card

 decorated in colors chosen especially for us 

Amen 

Bountiful Feast

The other night as I attended an appreciation dinner at church that was provided to persons involved with our homeless outreach ministry. 

Our ministry to house-less friends offers meals daily and has different programs every day like legal aid, healthcare, haircuts, job training, ect. It is a beautiful ministry that has transformed my heart and helped me to form beautiful friendship with folks I might have never connected with outside of the walls of the church. 

 Well, the man who has been helping lead it is a wonderful man named E. E is an "ex-con" with a "hard" past- his own words- who has had a transformational experience and now works for the church at large as a local pastor and with this ministry as a minister and (I PROMISE THIS IS TRUE) the best cook you could ever hope to meet.

 E decided he wanted to host a meal for the house-less friends and all those who come and help volunteer and offer services. We all were under the impression it would be a simple dinner- he was funding it himself. E does not live a 'high life' and so the offer already was generous. We all know that E can cook well and that whatever he offered would be a delicious offering. 

I am not sure if you have seen the movie Babette's Feast- this is a movie about a french maid who is connected to some sisters and long story short after winning the lottery or something like it she spends all of her money on offering those she has bonded with a french meal fit for a five star restaurant.

The meal that E offered to the house-less friends and volunteers of the ministry was Babette's Feast come to life. 

The meal seemed to never end and was 5 star quality. He spared not one expense and served every single person with a smile and thank you. This beautiful meal was this real life outpouring of love just like that offered by Babette. I was in tears, beautiful. I wish I could do more justice by explaining but the only words i have was to say that i experienced babette's feast and was beyond blessed. 

I encourage you all to check out the film for yourself (you will not regret seeing this treasure): 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvNifgj_dv4

* A huge thanks to one of my div school professors and favorite mentors for first introducing me to this beautiful and rich film. 

Top Ten Lessons (from my first 6 months full time in the church)

Below are my top ten lessons that I have learned while in ministry full-time, post seminary… they are in no particular order (as they are all so important): 

1- Sabbath is important. So important. - Church life can be so busy. I knew that but I had no idea just how busy. I have discovered that sabbath is essential to long-term thriving and loving of one's call into ministry. 

2- When horning sabbath, honor yourself - I am really bad (yes, I am admitting this- all mentors, please insert a clap for me here!) at masking things I do on my sabbath day as being for me when in reality the baking of cookies for sunday or the scheduling of confirmation is something that would bring me more joy another time. I have learned that in horning sabbath you must honor yourself and that in horning yourself you are not being rude or arrogant but realizing the depth of God's love for you. 

3- Say no. Sometimes you just have to say no! This is by far the most difficult lesson that I continually have to learn and re-learn but is slowly sinking in. I am learning that in saying no I have more time to live in my call and passions and that in living into my calling and passions I am brining joy to God. 

4- Plans do not always go like you plan- I love color coordinated calendars and schedules but have had to throw them out the door in the church, for the most part. Life happens and is messy and crazy and beautiful and sometimes when it is too scheduled you miss the grace God is offering.

5- EXERCISE. Everyone needs to move around and do something different and good and get some endorphins. This is a good lesson. 

6- STAY IN TOUCH- stay in touch with family and friends and let them know they are still so important to you. You are to them too. STAY IN TOUCH. Keep the norms you can- they can change and that is beautiful too. (Thankful for my dear friends!!!)

7- Do not be so serious- life is too serious and sometimes you just need to let go of the busy and over scheduled day in favor of fun - long lunch with coworkers, jokes at work, visiting kids at school and more! 

8- REST - there is always work to do. ALWAYS, so do not get so caught up in the details, take time to rest. It is good for you 

9- Do what you love- I have found a space to share what I love and to find ways to live into my call by doing what i love and am ever thankful for this on the good and the bad days. Do what you love and waking up for work will not be something to be dreaded (Expect on mondays, ek!) but something to be celebrated 

10- do not over schedule- do what you do and do it well, do not add too much but take time to know the needs of your church or ministry and to hone in on them and to make them good, and sustainable and lay-people led. This is real ministry and it is BEAUTIFUL to watch it unfold. 

A warm embrace.

It is hard to believe that I have been out of seminary for about 7 months now. Some days I sit back and check out the website of the school and read articles my classmates and I read back in school - dreaming for those long nights studying, those prayers before exams, those chapel services hearing friends and professors share the gospel. 

If you would have told me that I would even long for papers and books and assignments during my final set of finals I feel certain I would have laughed at you but it is true. I am there. Some days I wake up with an urgency to be back in the classroom. 

Many of those days are the same days that I feel that my ministry is not being helpful enough or that I am not good enough for this calling and that maybe, just maybe, if I go back to school- I will become good enough or helpful enough for some ministry, somewhere.

This sentiment is one that I have been struggling with lately. When talking about this with the senior minister (good person) at my church I heard him say, "None of us are good enough, God's grace is good enough." 

When I think deep about what I am longing for most in school it is that community that challenged and supported me through thick and thin (I know I have this at my new church, it is just a different kind). This past week I found myself having a few of those little holy nudges, those reminders that God was hearing and looking out for me (despite my desire to actually verbalize these feelings with even God, my creator). I opened my phone to a message from a beloved div school friend telling me she was praying for me and I received a 'how are you and how is the job' email from a friend and professor. These things reminded me that even when I feel this community I am so striving for is  so far away that they are holding me still- in a warm embrace, praying with and for me and supporting me as I continue to learn and grow.

Learning and growing is hard. Leaving the community that so nurtured me shook me to my core- yet I am standing (and so are they). I find myself calling on pieces of my classmates knowledge as I plan, calling on their stories as I live into the gospel, feeling their distant-embrace as they hold me and my new ministry in prayer from afar. And I hope they feel the same embrace from me. 

Prayer with my beloved classmates and seminary friends and mentors during chapel. 

Let them spectate.

While in college pursing my undergraduate degree I spent MUCH of my time in the Religion department (and much of that time was dedicated to improving, clarifying and making more concise my papers and essays). I had one professor in particular who pressed me beyond measure. As a first year student in her History of Christianity course I knew that if I could make it through her rigorous class I would be able to endure most of what school would offer.

No lies, during my first year of college this professor intimidated me with her knowledge, her passion for her subject and her determination for the students to do what they were required to do. She pushed us to be the best we could be (and that is something I will be ever thankful for). As I was learning and growing throughout college this professor became a mentor and friend- her fierce passion and determined dedication to the student body always inspired me.

One lesson that this professor helped me to learn I am just now fully grasping.

In my first full-time, post seminary, job I have found myself doing so many different kinds of tasks on a daily basis. Each day I find myself doing something that I did not expect or feel somewhat unsure of I find myself seeking out the best staff or lay person to help teach me what to do, how to do it the correct way. This is something that I would not have always been comfortable doing. I am a self-proclaimed wonder-woman-want-to-be who typically thinks she can do things her own way.

Yet, in the church I have continually found myself reaching out and resourcing for help on my path. In college, my first year, with this beloved professor I can recall the one (and only… I learned my lesson) time that I thought my paper formatting tools were better than those suggested. Those suggested were new to me and required me to spend time learning from a classmate or tutor - something I was embarrassed or ashamed to do. I wondered what people would think. What would their speculations be? Would they think that I was not smart enough?

 Well…. long story short, this professor politely taught me (via her red marking pen) that sometimes it is better to reach out, to ask for help and learn something new. And that in this reaching out you must avoid the speculations and welcome the affirmations.

Each and every time I reach out for help at work I take a deep breath and thank this professor for inviting me to be brave and to learn from those around me. She taught me that I do not have to know it all or be it all and that sometimes being the best me requires the help of my sisters and brothers. And that is something I do not mind people making speculations about.

We are all part of one body, the body of Christ. 

I pray that I remember this - even when I want to be Wonder Woman. 

The Unexpected Sacred

Tis the season for the church to become inordinately busy with the now and the whats next - the upcoming events seem to be smashing head to head with the now events and everyone's head is spinning, at a least a bit, trying to wrap their minds around what day it is. 

Life is always interesting in the church. Nothing can be super set in stone, because well- life happens. Things change, crazy happens, rest is needed, family is needed, phone calls are needed, and the list goes on and on. As one who is working in the church I am growing more and more used to this pattern. My urge on the inside for color coordinated schedules is being somewhat thrown out the window because I am learning, daily, that life happens. 

Today I was in a meeting with a wonderful person and as we talked I was expressing this sentiment- that I am learning my schedule will be shafted from time to time due to other things that come up and that often in those things I am doing ministry that was not expected (emergencies, sickness, ect.) but that is sacred and wonderful… I kept talking (if you know me, you know I can ramble with the best of them) only to be interrupted and asked, "When do you let your own life's stuff interrupt, when do you find the sacred in your unexpected?" 

I was dumbfounded. Crap. When do I do that? I have no idea but knew that could not be my answer. I smiled and we soon shifted gears but have been thinking of that question all afternoon- when do I find my own crazy, unexpected, sick, bad day blues in and how do I begin to name them as sacred? That is a hard question. 

But ALL day I have been pondering it. All dang day long. And I have come up with the realization that  it is something worth working towards. I once heard a Jewish rabbi say that he hangs onto the good times and the bad or sad because he knows that he can learn just as much in the good as the bad, that he can find just as much grace and love from God in the good and the bad. He just has to allow himself that space. 

I think in ministry it is all too easy to let oneself block off personal emotion or feeling in favor of those around them. But I think that God is calling me to not only minister to those around me but to let them minister to me. This is hard and frustrating but beautiful. Tonight I am painting and thinking over those less than stellar things and offering thanks for their scared-ness (even when it is hard). 

Top Ten Relaxing Tools? (I am sure I have ten)

Today I was talking with my mama on the phone. She asked me what I would be doing the rest of the day and remarked that it sounded like I had had a very busy day, to be a Monday, and she hoped that I would relax this evening. I told her that I was excited for a friend to come over and we were heading to a dinner with some church folk… my mama laughed and said, "I want to hear you say that you are going to the movies and dinner with someone who is completely not related to church, at all, I want you to relax." I laughed and told her that she knew I have always been busy and that this would be relaxing (in my defense, it was!)

Now all of this would just roll of my shoulders if another workmate/friend had not told me just about the same thing in less words this afternoon as she told me, "you need an outlet away from these people."

So as much as I do not want to think about that and do not want to force myself into more new things, more new people, more new spaces (give me a break, I am JUST NOW getting dinner invites from church folk who are friends and not just feeling guilty that I am the new girl and therefore inviting me over, it has been about five months here people, this moving is a process beyond the boxes being opened and taken out) I am creating this top ten list of ways that I do relax and/or want to improve on to help with that very goal:

1- Painting - I love it. Always have. I like to create and it is an outlet that I will not let go of anytime soon.

2- Outside walks with the pups - me, my boys and nature is a good thing, I want to start soaking in our walks more than rushing them to get them over.

3- Reading- what I want, without a paper to write, score!

4- Letters to friends and family back home - this is a lost art and is actually something I have grown to enjoy doing, especially notes to folks back at the aging care facility I worked at during seminary.

5- Friend phone dates- I NEED TO GET BETTER AT THIS. We are all so busy and time differences but this is important. I want to get better at this.

6- Runs - Yes, laugh all you want, I really am running and enjoying it

7- Just being- sitting, lounging, just being and not worrying about my to do list or my house or laundry. This is hard. I like to be busy so being is hard. But its cool when I slow down enough to hear my heart beat.

8- Intentional time with friends that is not work related - IE: donut runs, random drives, movies, ect. - I have a few of these things that are weekly staples but need to be better about letting myself do these things without feeling guilty.

9-10 - I am not sure yet, I am struggling with creating these. I do love time that I am volunteering at a hospital and nursing home. SO MUCH. But my friends and family say that does not count. I think it does, it does my soul good. SO I count those.



I am good at relaxing in my own ways- perhaps not how all might- but as a high energy person sometimes my relaxing becomes working or wanting to improve things or creating a task and that is what I need to work on. Just being is a beautiful thing that is hard for me. So maybe this week I will try to sit and just be at least for a few minutes. Maybe we all should- because when we hear our hearts beating it is a reminder of just how cool our creator is.

Affirmation Pains.

The ordination process has (unfortunately) become one that I dread talking about, having meetings over and honestly struggle to even pray about (perhaps it is because I am not ready to listen to God about this one fully). It is not that I do not have a wonderful mentor that was assigned to walk through the process, it is not that I have not gained other mentors along the way, and surprisingly enough it is not that my sass has come out and hurt me along the way. I am not exactly sure when or how but the process became something I dreaded talking about just about the time that a part of my calling was dismissed- the part that led me to a particular learning community. Having a part of my story dismissed hurt and I struggled to listen much after that- I struggled to find much affirmation after that. 

Granted, I am not so naive as to think that there has not been more affirmation that I have missed along the way. (What a shame - we always, at least I always, seem to miss the beauty/affirmation/love of God when I am caught up in my own feelings)

Today I feel that a great, and scary, stride was made in this very process. After moving to a new home and a new conference the ordination question/process has become something that has needed to be part of my vocabulary again. The hoops I have jumped before will come with me here, hopefully, but it is necessary to pick up and meet new folks and begin new conversation here. I was hesitant as I entered the office of the district super. to talk about this very process. All of the past dismissals came rushing to my head and I was almost shaking as I entered the room. 

It was no longer than five minutes in the conversation that the two lovely faces of God that were talking with me said something along the lines of 'we want this to be affirming for you' and 'you are valued here' that my heart slowed down and my eyes became glassy with those happy-not-expecting-this-tears.  They asked me my story and listened, to it all, they held my hand and prayed for my calling, they reminded me that I am called and that this can be scary and hard but there are people who care and will walk with me on this discernment process. 

I did not leave the meeting with all of my questions answered, in fact I may have some more and new questions now, but I left with a trail of happy tears down my cheek. It does not matter who stamped my degree, it does not matter if I flip flop on what I feel called to do, it does not matter if I have questions for days-- what matters, they reminded me, is slowing down enough to listen to God's call and trusting in a community that will love me along the process of ordination if I only let them. 

I did not expect to feel more overwhelmed by the good feelings than I have felt by the negative but tonight I am. It is not a bad overwhelming but a good, growing affirmation pain. I think I may have to get used to these new pains because around here it seems like something that is not going to end- even criticism is affirming and loving. I guess I really am in the hospitality state now. 

I do not know what will happen, when I will be ordained, who will present me for commissioning before that or where I will be working and living then but I know, without a doubt, that these people will be there in spirit, in prayer and in sign of love. And that is a good affirmation pain that I think I will gladly learn to accept. 

I did not know that still hurt.

Monday evenings have become a late night donut run tradition with one of newest bestest buds. We pile in the car (tonight my dogs included) and travel down the road, soaking in the nighttime sky, catching up about our days and laughing at the latest joke we have heard.

This evening as we traveled down the road we talked through our days, per usual, we shared sighs and laughs and then began to talk about a television show (old but good) that has captivated us both as of late. What show matters not- it matters that I was informed by my friend that one of the main characters was going to die in the next season (Thanks Netflix for allowing us the joy/mental disservice perhaps of  binge watching our favorite shows at least one night a week) from breast cancer. No. I told her no. I objected- there was no way, she could not die because she was important and if she died it would be sad and the show would be messed up and the lives of those who loved her in the show would be messed up. It was not feasible for her to die.

Soon we were going through the Krispy Kreme line (something I should reflect more on- I think we keep them in business at lease once a week, whoops, but tonight I will blame the trip on my need for clean water as there was a water main break in my neighborhood today and my water is not suitable to drink yet) I decided that I needed to just youtube the clip.

 I needed to see if she was going to die, I needed to have an answer. Granted googling this clip means I missed part of the season before but I did not care. I needed to know.

Sure enough- she died. Her partner left the room and went on a walk and she died. She said she loved her before leaving the room and then came back to her loved one lifeless on the bed, the doctor reciting a line of , "we did all we could do." I know what you are thinking- this is just a television show. You are right. That is about the only thing that kept me from falling into a puddle on the floor of my friend's car (that and my donut).

But the show, that scene, propelled me back into the intense room of a woman who lied lifeless on the bed as her family gathered in the ICU waiting room just down the hall. I was the chaplain on call and was paged to this scene and had no idea how I might answer or help in this situation. She had been fine that morning and after a quick diagnosis of a brain bleed it turned out she had a blockage and the wrong medicine led to bleeding and brain damage that was not reparable: in a matter of 12 hours she went from fine to pronounced brain dead. Dead.

I walked into this story at the will of the family: they paged me, they thought I could help. I walked in, shaking on the inside and no-doubt looking like a dear in head lights on the outside, into this sacred space. I met the family and prayed and did all I could do, all they seemed to need: I made connections to doctors, I helped with sorting out information about organ donation, I brought tissues and coffee and was making my way out of the door when I saw the woman's youngest son (12 years old) sitting on the floor outside the hustle and bustle of the family in the waiting room. In tears. He sat, crying. I walked over- knowing he was the son- and told him who I was. Soon we embraced and with no words he just melted onto my lap as I tried to contain my silent stream of tears floating down my own face and into his blonde, curly hair.

I did not know what to say and thankfully he did not need to me say a thing. About twenty minutes later he told me he had not told his mom how beautiful he thought she was and he wanted to. So we walked down the hall. Nurses unhooking her ventilator  as we walked into the room and he wiped her face with his tear-filled hands. He wiped her brow, he brushed her hair and said, "Mama, you are beautiful."

His dad soon piled in the room along with other family and doctors and he glued himself to his aunt's leg. I left the room at the sound of another page, after being given the eyes of approval from this young boy, with a prayer and a hug and a promise (at least to myself) that God's grace was in the misery.


That night I got to leave the hospital.

I got to walk out into fresh air and see the clouds of the day removed and replaced by twinkling stars.

 I got to hug my mom and write a paper and sing songs in my car.

 But even as I did these things the face of that young boy, the memory of him cherishing his last moments of touching his mother, stuck with me. Throughout the rest of my year and the next year of div school this memory came back and forth and I fought it off and did not know what to do with it. I found myself reflecting on it in sermons and it brought to tears (that should have been a good reminder that  I was not over the moment myself… in my own defense, how could I be anyway?).

Tonight as I sat in my friend's car- pulled off the road to stare at the screen of my phone together watching the scene of a beloved character die in utter disbelief this moment came rushing back into my head and my heart. Where is that boy now? How is is family? I hope he knows God's love. I hope he can know how he shared that love with me as he told his mom of her beauty.

In the uncomfortable and embarrassing silence that followed us watching this scene I began to play music, anything to switch topics. Hold yourself together, Meg.

But, I am not sure I can ever forget that moment in the hospital- and as painful as it is I am not sure that I want to forget. Sure the sounds and the conversations will drift away but the way time stopped and love enveloped us all in the midst of tragedy will not leave me soon.

I still think about how I might have been a better chaplain- I wonder about how I could have improved in that situation- I pause and hope that anything I did, or really didn't say, did not send the beloved child of God running in fear.

Lately in church we have talked a lot about the church and how all are welcome and all gifts are valued and how the one real rule we need to stick to is to love our neighbor fully. Loving all my neighbors is hard- can I get an amen- especially when they do something to challenge me or frustrate me or make me angry but in thinking about how I love my neighbors I would like to think that the tear-filled face of a twelve year old boy resting on my lap is one way- just as sitting in a car and eating donuts watching a youtube television show scene is another.


Loving our neighbors is hard, I think, because in loving we are beckoned to see the whole person, to love the whole person, to listen and care and nurture and support the entire person.

 Loving our neighbors is hard, I think, because in loving we are begged to realize the face of God in those that remind us of our worst qualities, in the worst situations and in the hardest challenges. When we fully love our neighbors we are pressed towards a reality in which all stories can be heard and all people can be named beautiful. Even when their beauty is fleeting, in standards of the world, and death is 'knocking on the door.'

I am quite certain that I will struggle with that call, that hospital visit, for a long time. I am certain the faces will not soon wipe from my memory, the names from my mind, the emotion from my chest. I just hope that as I continue to reflect I can realize that my open lap was a form of love for my neighbor. I pray for a heart that can move from sadness into rejoicing that I was allowed into a sacred space, scared and shaky, to love my neighbor with all I had: my presence, my being and the knowledge (somewhere deep within me) that the love of God was not fleeting.


Tonight I cry tears of joy and sorrow as I recall that moment. As I feel the weight of that room all over again. As I say 'Thank you, God," for your love that lets me try my best to wholly love others.


If we are to love our neighbors, before doing anything else we must see our neighbors. With our imagination as well as our eyes, that is to say like artists, we must see not just their faces but the life behind and within their faces. Here it is love that is the frame we see them in. - Frederick Buechner