Affirmation Pains.

The ordination process has (unfortunately) become one that I dread talking about, having meetings over and honestly struggle to even pray about (perhaps it is because I am not ready to listen to God about this one fully). It is not that I do not have a wonderful mentor that was assigned to walk through the process, it is not that I have not gained other mentors along the way, and surprisingly enough it is not that my sass has come out and hurt me along the way. I am not exactly sure when or how but the process became something I dreaded talking about just about the time that a part of my calling was dismissed- the part that led me to a particular learning community. Having a part of my story dismissed hurt and I struggled to listen much after that- I struggled to find much affirmation after that. 

Granted, I am not so naive as to think that there has not been more affirmation that I have missed along the way. (What a shame - we always, at least I always, seem to miss the beauty/affirmation/love of God when I am caught up in my own feelings)

Today I feel that a great, and scary, stride was made in this very process. After moving to a new home and a new conference the ordination question/process has become something that has needed to be part of my vocabulary again. The hoops I have jumped before will come with me here, hopefully, but it is necessary to pick up and meet new folks and begin new conversation here. I was hesitant as I entered the office of the district super. to talk about this very process. All of the past dismissals came rushing to my head and I was almost shaking as I entered the room. 

It was no longer than five minutes in the conversation that the two lovely faces of God that were talking with me said something along the lines of 'we want this to be affirming for you' and 'you are valued here' that my heart slowed down and my eyes became glassy with those happy-not-expecting-this-tears.  They asked me my story and listened, to it all, they held my hand and prayed for my calling, they reminded me that I am called and that this can be scary and hard but there are people who care and will walk with me on this discernment process. 

I did not leave the meeting with all of my questions answered, in fact I may have some more and new questions now, but I left with a trail of happy tears down my cheek. It does not matter who stamped my degree, it does not matter if I flip flop on what I feel called to do, it does not matter if I have questions for days-- what matters, they reminded me, is slowing down enough to listen to God's call and trusting in a community that will love me along the process of ordination if I only let them. 

I did not expect to feel more overwhelmed by the good feelings than I have felt by the negative but tonight I am. It is not a bad overwhelming but a good, growing affirmation pain. I think I may have to get used to these new pains because around here it seems like something that is not going to end- even criticism is affirming and loving. I guess I really am in the hospitality state now. 

I do not know what will happen, when I will be ordained, who will present me for commissioning before that or where I will be working and living then but I know, without a doubt, that these people will be there in spirit, in prayer and in sign of love. And that is a good affirmation pain that I think I will gladly learn to accept.